"Jesus is a Republican," says LCMS

ST. LOUIS- In the wake of last month’s Missouri Primary, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod today made its voice heard, announcing its conclusion that Jesus is, indeed, a Republican.

"There is a renewed effort in the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod to actively engage the pressing questions and issues in our culture," says one LCMS spokesperson. "One such issue is whether you can be a follower of Christ and vote Democrat. Though only God can judge a man's heart, we are able to make what I like to call a 'Theolgical Guesstimation.'"

While the political affiliations of God the Father and God the Holy Spirit are open to debate, it is clear how Jesus would vote.

The issue has become a point of interest, since past elections have hinged in part on the vote of conservative Christians, who played a major role in securing the election of President George W. Bush to his first and second terms.

The decree from on high in the LCMS, however, is not without contention. The dissent focuses, for the most part, on two issues:
-The key role a donkey played in the ministry of Jesus, specifically on his triumphal entry into Jerusalem.
-The fact that it is hard to imagine that God would really want George W. Bush in office.

At the time of publication, the Republican National Committee office had no response to these two issues.

Political pundits covering both major parties view the announcement as somewhat of a formality, as their poll numbers already show that pretty much all the LCMS Lutherans vote Republican anyway.