Thursday, July 14, 2011

Does this still work?

Is this thing on?
Is anyone listening?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Study Says LCMS Safest from Swine Flu

In a letter to pastors across the nation addressing the swine flu pandemic, LCMS officials reassured clergy that their churches are among the safest from the threat of this disease. The letter cited the two main areas of exposure to the swine flu as evidence:

"The flu has been shown to spread most effectively among those who have recently traveled through the poorer parts of Mexico, as well as those who have close contact with Mexican immigrants. Since the number of LCMS congregations actually going to Mexico on mission trips is negligable and the percentage of Hispanics in our congregations is miniscule, we should be relatively well protected."

The letter went on to state, however, that LCMS members should still be cautious in their everyday activities, taking special care not to get too friendly with anyone who looks too different from themselves.

Also in the letter was an encouragement to show "solidarity" with our Hispanic brethren, including a suggestion that congregations sing their token hymn in their Lutheran Service Book hymnal, "Alabare."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Synod Threatens Lawsuits against Email Exclaimers

ST. LOUIS- Tired of getting emails wherein individual words are followed by a long string of exclamation points? So, apparently, are the directors of the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod.

The Synod's Board of Directors on Monday issued a "cease and desist" order to anyone using exclamation points at the end of words because of a pending synodical trademark on exclamatory words. Those who use single exclamation points at the end of exclamatory sentences may not be included. While the language is ambiguous, sources close to those using exclamation points at the end of words suppose a lawsuit is what's entailed in the phrase "Legal Action!"

Phone calls to the Board of Directors! went unreturned.

Webster announces new word for 2009: Close[d]

SPRINGFIELD, MA- The newest word in the Merriam-Webster collection of words is one that's near and dear to the hearts of many in the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod. The world's leading publisher of dictionaries has added a word that's been circulating in Missouri Synod circles for decades. The word? Close[d].

Pronounced, "oh-puhn," it's a word that Missouri Synod pastors use to describe their altar fellowship. Both "close" and "closed" have been in Merriam-Webster's dictionary for quite some time, but neither correctly describes the practice of letting parishioners decide for themselves if they're supposed to be receiving the Body and Blood of Jesus at the eucharist.

John Morse, president and publisher of Merriam-Webster describes the includion of a word with brackets as a "bit wacky," but he concludes, "I guess we had to include it. Dictionaries, like CTCR decisions, are descriptive and not prescriptive."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

He’ll say, “Are you married?” We’ll say, “No, man…”

“But you can mind your own damn business.”

ST. LOUIS- In a bold move designed to attract disenfranchised couples who have been ostracized from other Lutheran churches because of their cohabitation, a prominent Missouri-Synod congregation has reversed its policy on allowing cohabitating couple to commune.

Long seen as a “black eye” to its missional posture was the church’s position that couples living together should at least say “I’m sorry” before coming to the Lord’s Supper. Not anymore.

Senior Administrative Pastoral Vision-Caster Ted told the Organ, “Legalism is passé. What matters isn’t how you live as long as you’re a member of a church—preferably ours—and give an offering at least semi-regularly. The only rule Jesus gave us is the Great Commission.”

So far, numerous couples from “less-pastoral” congregations have expressed interest in a church that will allow them to be in fellowship without regard for what happens in their bedrooms (or cars, hotel rooms, county water towers, or sandy beaches). One anonymous couple said, “We want to go to church and have some wine and crackers without everyone passing judgment on us. And we want our children to have a place where they feel welcome to run around and scream like rabid wildebeests. We just weren’t getting that at [DELETED] Lutheran Church.”

According to Pastor Ted, “What’s worse: having a couple living together not going to church because they have hurt feelings or having a couple in a committed cohabitation who aren’t afraid to come to church? It all comes down to a church’s dedication to mission. If you’re in a missionary position, you’re welcome here.”

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ablaze! Reaches Out!

ST LOUIS- In an effort to reach out to some who have been less-than-enthusiastic about the Synod's Ablaze! initiative, mission-minded strategists have announced a new version of the Ablaze! bracelet.

Long hailed for its ability to turn everyday conversation into rip-roarin' ablaze contacts, the Ablaze bracelet with its six colored beads will come in a new variation.

In an effort to invite papist-leaning Lutherans into the Ablaze! camp, the synod will make available a version of the Ablaze! bracelet, known affectionately as the Lutheran Rosary, with a crucifix.

Rev. Scott Snow, who demonstrated how to get your sinner friends to ask Jesus into their hearts with the original Ablaze! bracelet, explained this most recent incarnation. "The premise is the same. When someone asks you why your bracelet has six different colored beads, which they do all the time, you answer simply: 'The black bead tells us we are separated from God because of His Law, which is sorta like Jim Crow laws. The red bead reminds us of Jesus' blood, and Valentine's Day, when we send Jesus love notes in our praise songs. White, which rhymes with right, reminds us that we are right with Jesus, which was an old way of saying "We cool, Jesus?" The green bead tells us to grow in our faith, like weeds. The yellow bead reminds us of heaven, where all the walls are painted yellow.' Then, when you get to the crucifix, you invite your friend to pray the Sinner's Prayer to Mary."

According to Snow, the innovation of praying the Sinner's Prayer to Mary is what makes this allthingtoallmen initiative palatable to papistic Lutherans, some of whom still believe Mary was a virgin when Jesus was born.

"Honestly, whether your friend prays the Sinner's Prayer to Mary or to Jesus, what matters is that you go to to record the event."

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Minnesota Buys Missouri

ST. LOUIS- St. Louisans were saddened to learn today that the board of directors of the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod voted in favor of a proposed buyout by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.

Local St. Louisans have long been proud to call the Missouri Synod of Lutheranism their own. Now, however, with the buyout official, corporate ownership of the Missouri Synod will be moving to Minneapolis, MN. The warm affection even non-Lutherans had for this smaller, locally-owned Synod was witnessed by the neighborhoods in Kirkwood, the home of the LCMS corporate headquarters, with signs in the front yards saying, “Keep Missouri in Missouri.” To no avail.

The offer from the ELCA was to buy Missouri for $25 a person. With over two million members, that amounted to $50 million. Early speculation was that the LCMS Board of Directors would reject the offer, preferring to keep control of the synod in their hands. That rejection was expected to be met with a hostile takeover bid, with the ELCA offering $25 to each shareholder-member of the LCMS individually. Most church pundits speculated that Missouri’s shareholders would quickly jump at that offer, sensing their desire to get, as one anonymous Missourian said, “nothing for something.” Today’s decision, though, makes that reaction unnecessary.

Speculation about cutbacks in Missouri’s synodical officials were met with firm denial. Mark Hanson, Presiding Bishop of the ELCA, announced in a press release, “We will not eliminate any top-level bureaucratic positions. The strength of a church body is in the number of its officials ant the depth of their pockets. Only local clergy need to fear downsizing, which we prefer to call ‘accommodation.’”

Rumors about the new conglomerate’s name abound. Among the least popular suggestions is the Evangelical Lutheran Synodochurch in Amerimissouri. Something trendier like bigChurch might be catchier.