Ablaze! Reaches Out!

ST LOUIS- In an effort to reach out to some who have been less-than-enthusiastic about the Synod's Ablaze! initiative, mission-minded strategists have announced a new version of the Ablaze! bracelet.

Long hailed for its ability to turn everyday conversation into rip-roarin' ablaze contacts, the Ablaze bracelet with its six colored beads will come in a new variation.

In an effort to invite papist-leaning Lutherans into the Ablaze! camp, the synod will make available a version of the Ablaze! bracelet, known affectionately as the Lutheran Rosary, with a crucifix.

Rev. Scott Snow, who demonstrated how to get your sinner friends to ask Jesus into their hearts with the original Ablaze! bracelet, explained this most recent incarnation. "The premise is the same. When someone asks you why your bracelet has six different colored beads, which they do all the time, you answer simply: 'The black bead tells us we are separated from God because of His Law, which is sorta like Jim Crow laws. The red bead reminds us of Jesus' blood, and Valentine's Day, when we send Jesus love notes in our praise songs. White, which rhymes with right, reminds us that we are right with Jesus, which was an old way of saying "We cool, Jesus?" The green bead tells us to grow in our faith, like weeds. The yellow bead reminds us of heaven, where all the walls are painted yellow.' Then, when you get to the crucifix, you invite your friend to pray the Sinner's Prayer to Mary."

According to Snow, the innovation of praying the Sinner's Prayer to Mary is what makes this allthingtoallmen initiative palatable to papistic Lutherans, some of whom still believe Mary was a virgin when Jesus was born.

"Honestly, whether your friend prays the Sinner's Prayer to Mary or to Jesus, what matters is that you go to www.lcms.org/ablaze to record the event."

Minnesota Buys Missouri

ST. LOUIS- St. Louisans were saddened to learn today that the board of directors of the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod voted in favor of a proposed buyout by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.

Local St. Louisans have long been proud to call the Missouri Synod of Lutheranism their own. Now, however, with the buyout official, corporate ownership of the Missouri Synod will be moving to Minneapolis, MN. The warm affection even non-Lutherans had for this smaller, locally-owned Synod was witnessed by the neighborhoods in Kirkwood, the home of the LCMS corporate headquarters, with signs in the front yards saying, “Keep Missouri in Missouri.” To no avail.


The offer from the ELCA was to buy Missouri for $25 a person. With over two million members, that amounted to $50 million. Early speculation was that the LCMS Board of Directors would reject the offer, preferring to keep control of the synod in their hands. That rejection was expected to be met with a hostile takeover bid, with the ELCA offering $25 to each shareholder-member of the LCMS individually. Most church pundits speculated that Missouri’s shareholders would quickly jump at that offer, sensing their desire to get, as one anonymous Missourian said, “nothing for something.” Today’s decision, though, makes that reaction unnecessary.

Speculation about cutbacks in Missouri’s synodical officials were met with firm denial. Mark Hanson, Presiding Bishop of the ELCA, announced in a press release, “We will not eliminate any top-level bureaucratic positions. The strength of a church body is in the number of its officials ant the depth of their pockets. Only local clergy need to fear downsizing, which we prefer to call ‘accommodation.’”

Rumors about the new conglomerate’s name abound. Among the least popular suggestions is the Evangelical Lutheran Synodochurch in Amerimissouri. Something trendier like bigChurch might be catchier.

eHarmony.com Announces new Pastor-Church Pairing Capabilities

Ever been dissatisfied with your pastor? Has he ever been upset with his parishioners? Maybe the relationship was doomed from the start.

In 2000, Dr. Neil Clark Warren launched eHarmony.com as a dating site that attempts to “move beyond ‘traditional’ online dating.” Dr. Warren perfected eHarmony’s patented Compatibility Matching System™ that has since propelled eHarmony into the position of the America’s “#1 trusted relationship service.”

eHarmony has demonstrated to frustrated singles that there is just one person perfect for you, and, if you’re willing to pay $59.95 a month (or $20.95 a month for 12 months), you can find him/her. Now eHarmony is turning its attention to equally frustrated congregations and pastors.

Maybe the relationship just wasn't meant to be, brother.

According to Warren, “For decades, maybe longer, churches have relied on chance, dumb luck, or even prayer to pair pastors and congregations. SET forms and PIF inventories are as outdated as Match.com. They don’t work. And they don’t provide happy marriages between pastors and congregations. The only way to find a perfect relationship between pastor and parish, the only way to find the one pastor that’s right for your congregation, is to use our patented Compatibility Matching System™.”

This congregation used eHarmony.com. Look how happy they are. Wouldn't you like to be this happy?

Finally, here's a way to guarantee (or your money back) getting a pastor who does what you want, not what he wants. He'll preach what you want him to preach, for exactly the right amount of time. He'll work for the salary you want to pay him. He won't offend you (unless you're into that kind of thing). And you'll likewise be the perfect congregation for him. You won't ask too much of him or make too many demands that conflict with his social life. You won't expect him to step too far out of his comfort zone. And you won't get upset when he forgets your names (unless you're into that kind of thing).

“Don’t get stuck in a bad relationship with a pastor who’s not perfect for you, who doesn’t meet your needs, who isn’t compatible with your personality," said Warren. "Sign up today.”

You are not Alone.

If you hate the Theological Organ, it seems like you are not alone. Someone hates us enough to buy a billboard to express his dislike. If Satan hates us, we must be doing God's work. So, love us or hate us, we're going to keep delivering the finest LC-MS news you can find. Bar-none.

KFUO Announces “Issues” Replacement

ST. LOUIS- The radio voice of the Missouri Synod announced today the replacement programming that will fill the void left by the cancellation of the popular Issues, Etc program. In the afternoon drive-time slot once occupied by Issues, according to KFUO director Dennis Stortz, the station will feature a show hosted by controversial shock-jock Howard Stern.

Stortz describes the move as one designed to shift the focus of afternoon programming “away from the ‘issues’ over to the ‘etcetera.’”

"Stern is a voice capable of reaching far more listeners than any of our other radio personalities,” Stortz said.


While a schedule has yet to be released, stay tuned to The Organ for up-to-the-minute news as it becomes available.

"Jesus is a Republican," says LCMS

ST. LOUIS- In the wake of last month’s Missouri Primary, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod today made its voice heard, announcing its conclusion that Jesus is, indeed, a Republican.

"There is a renewed effort in the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod to actively engage the pressing questions and issues in our culture," says one LCMS spokesperson. "One such issue is whether you can be a follower of Christ and vote Democrat. Though only God can judge a man's heart, we are able to make what I like to call a 'Theolgical Guesstimation.'"

While the political affiliations of God the Father and God the Holy Spirit are open to debate, it is clear how Jesus would vote.

The issue has become a point of interest, since past elections have hinged in part on the vote of conservative Christians, who played a major role in securing the election of President George W. Bush to his first and second terms.

The decree from on high in the LCMS, however, is not without contention. The dissent focuses, for the most part, on two issues:
-The key role a donkey played in the ministry of Jesus, specifically on his triumphal entry into Jerusalem.
-The fact that it is hard to imagine that God would really want George W. Bush in office.

At the time of publication, the Republican National Committee office had no response to these two issues.

Political pundits covering both major parties view the announcement as somewhat of a formality, as their poll numbers already show that pretty much all the LCMS Lutherans vote Republican anyway.

Fire Department Responds to Congregation Ablaze

CINCINNATI, OH- Three fire trucks arrived in the parking lot of Christ Our Savior Lutheran Church in Milford, Ohio early Tuesday morning when someone called 911 to report the church on fire.

But firefighters were greeted with some confused employees in the church office and no smoke billowing out of the windows. As it turns out, a neighbor was concerned when he overheard the pastor of Christ Our Savior talking to the cashier at a nearby coffeehouse about the problem his church was having being “ablaze.”

After evacuating the church, firefighters determined there was no fire.

Leaders in the church are hopeful this confusion won’t happen again, but there are no guarantees. At the height of the Pentecostal movement, many fire departments responded to calls by neighbors worried about rumors that the churches were set on fire by a spirit.