KFUO Announces “Issues” Replacement

ST. LOUIS- The radio voice of the Missouri Synod announced today the replacement programming that will fill the void left by the cancellation of the popular Issues, Etc program. In the afternoon drive-time slot once occupied by Issues, according to KFUO director Dennis Stortz, the station will feature a show hosted by controversial shock-jock Howard Stern.

Stortz describes the move as one designed to shift the focus of afternoon programming “away from the ‘issues’ over to the ‘etcetera.’”

"Stern is a voice capable of reaching far more listeners than any of our other radio personalities,” Stortz said.


While a schedule has yet to be released, stay tuned to The Organ for up-to-the-minute news as it becomes available.

"Jesus is a Republican," says LCMS

ST. LOUIS- In the wake of last month’s Missouri Primary, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod today made its voice heard, announcing its conclusion that Jesus is, indeed, a Republican.

"There is a renewed effort in the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod to actively engage the pressing questions and issues in our culture," says one LCMS spokesperson. "One such issue is whether you can be a follower of Christ and vote Democrat. Though only God can judge a man's heart, we are able to make what I like to call a 'Theolgical Guesstimation.'"

While the political affiliations of God the Father and God the Holy Spirit are open to debate, it is clear how Jesus would vote.

The issue has become a point of interest, since past elections have hinged in part on the vote of conservative Christians, who played a major role in securing the election of President George W. Bush to his first and second terms.

The decree from on high in the LCMS, however, is not without contention. The dissent focuses, for the most part, on two issues:
-The key role a donkey played in the ministry of Jesus, specifically on his triumphal entry into Jerusalem.
-The fact that it is hard to imagine that God would really want George W. Bush in office.

At the time of publication, the Republican National Committee office had no response to these two issues.

Political pundits covering both major parties view the announcement as somewhat of a formality, as their poll numbers already show that pretty much all the LCMS Lutherans vote Republican anyway.

Fire Department Responds to Congregation Ablaze

CINCINNATI, OH- Three fire trucks arrived in the parking lot of Christ Our Savior Lutheran Church in Milford, Ohio early Tuesday morning when someone called 911 to report the church on fire.

But firefighters were greeted with some confused employees in the church office and no smoke billowing out of the windows. As it turns out, a neighbor was concerned when he overheard the pastor of Christ Our Savior talking to the cashier at a nearby coffeehouse about the problem his church was having being “ablaze.”

After evacuating the church, firefighters determined there was no fire.

Leaders in the church are hopeful this confusion won’t happen again, but there are no guarantees. At the height of the Pentecostal movement, many fire departments responded to calls by neighbors worried about rumors that the churches were set on fire by a spirit.

Area Church Experiments with New Lenten Kick-Off

ATLANTA- A local Lutheran church will jettison the traditional Ash Wednesday service in favor of something designed to appeal to a wider audience. Pastor of St. Liz Lutheran Church in the heart of Atlanta Steve Carter explains, “We’ve been noticing a decline in attendance at church in general, but our Ash Wednesday service has been particularly disappointing in the past few months. So we’ve renamed it a bit and added something a lilt more familiar to most people than ashes and litanies. The late Johnny Cash is really popular with all generations nowadays. So this year we’re going to celebrate Cash Wednesday instead.”

The approach is getting mixed reviews from members, and some have gone so far as to complain that Cash Wednesday dishonors the dead country star. Others aren’t sure that the emphasis will draw the crowds that Carter hopes it will.

Whatever the result, if the new approach is unsuccessful, it won’t be for lack of planning. “We’re planning to sing ‘Man in Black’ for our opening hymn,” said Carter.

The 43-year-old pastor is no stranger to controversy. In December of 2005, the church sent out mailers to neighborhood homes announcing their alternative approach to Advent fellowship: “You weren’t going to come anyway, but could you at least mail your offering?”

“We sorta had high hopes for it,” said Carter. “It could have worked either as reverse psychology and people would have come because we told them not to, or they would have taken us seriously and mailed offerings. Neither happened. Fewer people came, and we received less in the offering plate.”

But Carter remains optimistic for the Cash Wednesday idea. “What’s not to like? Everyone likes Johnny Cash: grandmas, college kids, suburbanite yuppies.”

Assuming Cash Wednesday succeeds, Carter plans to expand it for next year. “If it goes well, next year, we’ll replace Good Friday with Ring of Fireday. We’ll see.”

CUS! Announces Ablaze! Initiative

Unassociated Press
Staff Writer

ST. LOUIS- In a continued effort to keep the "Ablaze!" movement at the forefront of the collective consciousness of the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, the synod Board of Higher Education (BHE) today announced an exciting partnership between the Concordia University System schools and the synod.
The ten Concordias - as well as the two seminaries - have all agreed to change their respective nicknames to names more befitting the fire-inspired "Ablaze!" movement and its sister capital campaign, "Fan Into Flame." The new school names will be as follows:
- St. Paul Pyros
- Ann Arbor Arsonists
- Wisconsin Critical Eventers
- "Great" Chicago Fire
- Selma Heartburn
- Portland "Thy Word is a Light to My" Trailblazers
- Seward Prairie Fire
- Irvine Igniters
- Bronxville Flamers
- Austin Ablaziacs!
- Ft. Wayne Pentecostals
- St. Louis Fire and Brimstone
A press release from an Ablaze! official released earlier today states the following: "We could not be more pleased with the effort shown by our institutions of higher learning to lead the way in reaching 100 million people with the good news about Jesus. We can think of no better form of evangelism than a group of athletic teams with fire-themed nicknames, mascots, and logos."
Early estimates are that with the combined exposure of the multiple athletic teams of the multiple schools spread all around the country - including nearby major urban areas - upwards of 35 million people will be reached for Jesus through this effort alone. Talks are ongoing between the LCMS and the CUS schools about changing their respective fight songs to the Albaze! theme hymn, which would fit better with the new nicknames.

Congregation Declares itself in a State of Absolution against Synod

TILLAMOOK, OR- The voters of Our Savvy Savior Lutheran Church in Tillamook, Oregon voted Sunday afternoon to declare themselves in statu absolutionis against the Missouri Synod. Pastor James Aufdentisch explained, “A state of absolution is the opposite of a state of confession. Where some congregations might be up in arms about some of the things going on in the Synod, we’re not. In fact, we’re going to absolve the Synod of anything she might do. That’s a state of absolution.”

While the move is unprecedented, many conclude that it’s not altogether unexpected. Aufdentisch has been a strong proponent of absolving sins since coming to Our Savvy Savior from Topeka a few years ago.

While calls to the Synod’s International Center went unreturned late Sunday evening, The Theological Organ got to speak to a guy who comes in a few evenings a month to empty wastebaskets. While electing to remain anonymous, the source said there’s a palpable fear among Synod’s leadership. “There have been some e-mails in the trash that mentioned it. Frankly, if you ask me, it don’t make a lick of sense. Why would they ubsolve [sic] things that most folks don’t think are sins?”

Some of the voters from Our Savvy Savior seemed uncertain about the congregation’s future with the Synod. Longtime-member Dorothy Rogers said, “As long as things stay the same, we’ll stay here absolving the Synod. But if things change and there are no more sins to absolve, we may have to break fellowship and look for a Synod in need of some absolution.”

JesusFirst to Face Doctrinal Scrutiny over Name

ST. LOUIS- In a move destined to draw fire from supporters of JesusFirst, the Synod’s Council of Presidents on Wednesday voted to ask the Commission of Theology and Church Relations to examine the theology of placing Jesus first.

Those who voted in favor of the review expressed concern that placing Jesus first may violate what many see as standard Trinitarian theology. “Jesus is the incarnation of the Second Person of the Holy Trinity. To call Him the First seems to confuse the matter,” said a member of the COP who elected to remain anonymous.

“If it’s true that JesusFirst emphasizes the primacy of Jesus to the exclusion of the other two persons of the Trinity, this seems to be some kind of Swedenborgianism. If they want to be correct, maybe they should call themselves ‘Jesus Second.' And for crying out loud, the spacebar is the big, unmarked one at the bottom of the keyboard. Use it. ”

Calls to the JesusFirst office were not immediately returned.